Reclaiming your personal power without trying to control everything...
As I work my way through my health issues, I’ve gathered a fabulous little wellness posse.
When Jacqui, my naturopath, wants me to have blood tests, I tell Dr. Kim, who requests them, and a few days later, I call the medical practice and ask the receptionist to email me the results.
Easy peasy. Works like a charm.
Except this week, it didn't.
When I rang for the results, the new receptionist said he’d have to check with the practice manager before emailing me. I calmly assured him we do this all the time and offered to forward him one of the earlier result-bearing emails that I'd received from them, as proof.
All friendly. All nice.
When the email came, instead of finding the results, I found a rather curt message from the practice manager, saying that if I wanted the results, I'd have to make an appointment with the doctor first.
I replied that I had asked for those blood tests myself, so that they could be sent to another health care provider, and asked if she could please speak to Dr Kim so that the confusion could be resolved.
I sent that message just before starting a session with Geoffrey, my kinesiologist (didn't I tell you I have a posse? 😁), and although I was a wee bit irritated about the whole results thing, I didn't think it was a big deal.
I was wrong.
Before we started our session, Geoffrey asked me if I had anything specific I wanted to work on, and I heard myself say ‘I wanna stop trying to control the universe’.
As I lay on the table, flashes of anger kept unexpectedly blazing into my consciousness, accompanied by thoughts like 'how dare she refuse me access to my own fucking blood tests?!' and 'holy shit - that practice manager must be such a control freak!’.
As I entertained these deliciously self-righteous thoughts, I was completely oblivious to the fact that my natural response to the practice manager's controlling energy was to try to control the fuck out of HER (ie. 'just give me my fucking test results!').
The fact that I was resisting her control issues by trying to control her, while I was simultaneously working with my kinesiologist on my own control issues took most of the session to land.
I know. I'm hilarious.
If you read last week’s post, you know I have a friend in Kyiv (you can read about that here). And although I’m consuming all the news about the war that I can get my little hands on, I've somehow stumbled into a place inside of myself where I’m no longer fighting the fact that the war is happening.
Do I wish it wasn’t happening? Fuck yeah!!
Do I want it to end and for my friend and his people to be safe? Of course I do!!
But am I, inside of myself, trying to push against something that is already happening and simultaneously totally outside of my control?
No. I’m really not.
And this is where it gets (even more!) interesting.
When I turned my phone on after the session with Geoffery, I immediately received an even more brusque message from the practice manager, stating that she'd spoken to Dr. Kim and clinic policy clearly states that I MUST speak to the doctor who ordered my tests before I can have the results.
She told me I needed to make an appointment (one that I would need to pay for - obviously).
Ok, so does the fact that I’m somehow managing to not internally resist a WAR, together with the fact that I had literally just finished a kinesiology session to help me let go of my need to control, mean that I did not inwardly resist the practice manager's message?
I most definitely gripped my steering wheel and yelled ‘THEY'RE MY FUCKING TEST RESULTS, MOTHERFUCKER!!’ while in the peaceful sanctuary of my awesome car (who I've named Joy - because she makes me happy).
And that’s just how it goes.
The road to less control is not linear. And it's not 'if I can manage this, then that smaller thing will be a breeze'. Because we don't know what that other thing might trigger in us until we're dealing with it.
If you, like me, have not yet reached ultimate enlightenment with regards to power, control and allowing, then I highly recommend you take a listen to this little baby.
A gentle reminder to be kind to yourself. Even when no one is looking.
You deserve it.