Why being hard on yourself leads to the opposite of what you want
Updated: Oct 25
“OMG! Look how tanned you are! Look at my skin compared to yours! I’m soooo pale. I’m disgusting. DISGUSTING!!”
I’m sitting in a cafe overlooking the water at 11 am on a random weekday trying desperately to resist the impulse to climb over my own table, so that I can reach the beautiful woman casually disparaging herself in front of her friends and squeeze her so damn tight that all of her self-recrimination simply falls off of her in black energy chunks.
Because that’s how it should work.
One of the biggest lessons I’ve gotten from Oron is that if you want an awesome life, then you simply have to learn to be your own best supporter. To have your own back in the deepest way.
Because, to put it simply - if you want money or the universe to support you, then you need to be a match to being supported.
If allowing yourself to feel supported is currently a challenge for you - if receiving compliments, or gifts or help feels even a little uncomfortable (and telling yourself that it's ok because you'll return the favour eventually is still feeling uncomfortable) - then you need to work on your receiving and embracing support muscles!
And the best, most impactful place to start is learning to give it to, and receive it from, yourself.
Because you just can’t expect the outer world to give you something that you’re not willing to do the work to give to yourself first.
Or I guess you can - but you'll be disappointed. And you'll then be tempted to use that disappointment as evidence that you don't get supported. And the whole shitty cycle intensifies.
I know it because I've lived it. And it's no exaggeration to say that my personal growth and development skyrocketed when I stopped trying to beat myself into expansion.
When I started to love and nurture myself through my fuck ups. When I started to have my own back and encouraged myself to grow with the kind of compassion that I found it super easy to access for my friends.
I deserve that same compassion. And so do you.
It's just that when you're used to the old 'motivate yourself with negativity' pattern, it seems impossible to break. And kinda dumb to try. Because you want results, right?
But that pattern - the self-criticism, the telling yourself you should have done better, the reminding yourself of your mistakes so that you don't repeat them - contracts your energy way more than the 'mistakes' themselves ever could.
And when you think about it, the reason you're trying to motivate yourself in the first place is to create expansion, isn't it?
The truth is that the universe is a mirror, and we create the outer change we want by creating it inside ourselves first. Always.
And if what you're doing inside of yourself is contracting your own energy with any version of 'I suck', then what you're actually doing is slamming the door against your own expansion. Against your own joy. And against the things that you're working so hard to create for yourself.
And then feeling undeserving. Intesifying the cycle just a little more.
Now, you may not go around loudly calling yourself disgusting in cafes. But in a general sense, how healthy is your self-talk?
You are infinitely worthy. Already. Just as you are.
You deserve all the good things. Already. Just as you are.
And you respond way better to encouragement than bullying. Don't you?
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