The secret I'm ready to share with you
Updated: Oct 25
On the 31st Dec 2014, I had a meeting with the man I’d considered my lifelong spiritual teacher. A man I’d learned so much from, and had had deep respect for.
“I need you to know that I'm grateful for what I’ve learned here, but I’m never coming back”.
He said he’d give me time but tried to convince me that I’d be back.
That man, the one that I’d trusted with what I cared about most deeply - my spirituality - had consistently molested me for over 5 years.
When the news broke out that he'd been molesting many women (a possibility that weirdly had not occurred to me), it felt like punch in the gut. And it woke me up to a most horrendous realisation.
‘Holy fuck, I’ve been in a CULT!!”
That realisation rocked me to the core of my being and made me question who I was. I'd THOUGHT that I was smart and competent.
But if that was true, then how the fuck did I end up in a cult?!
It took immense soul searching for me to work that out. The truth of why I ended up there is complicated. And yet surprisingly simple.
I wasn't an idiot. But I did have wounds that left me open to manipulation.
I’d had a shitty childhood with an alcoholic mother who regularly blamed me for all of the world’s ills. And although people looking at me would have thought me pretty confident, the truth is that my self-esteem was, shall we say, less than robust.
Also, when I was little, I'd wanted to be a nun. I'd always been a spiritual seeker and my personal growth and evolution was my deepest purpose. I’d read all the spiritual books that said ‘when a student is ready, the teacher appears’. I was ready and waiting. And waiting.
And then he appeared.
He was the head of what seemed to be a vibrant spiritual community with hundreds of members devoted to growth and upliftment. Ahhhhh.... a community of like-minded open-hearted people, pursuing expansion.
Before that, I'd been doing the spirituality thing alone - and this was about a trillion times better! It felt like coming home.
And when I heard him speak, he spoke about empowerment, upliftment, possibility, connection to my best self, and it made my heart glow with joy and the recognition of truth.
“You are divine.”
“You have all the answers.”
“God dwells within you AS you.”
And holy God did I love it.
Chronic disempowerment usually happens slowly. So slowly.
I thought that I was signing up to something amazing, and uplifting. Something empowering. Something that would facilitate the betterment of myself and humanity.
But the truth is I didn’t need betterment. What I needed was self-acceptance. Self-love and deep inner nurturing. And trust. Trust in MYSELF.
What I got, was the opposite: the gradual and meticulous erosion of my sense of worth and self-trust.
Ever so gradually, I started to think and believe what I was told was true. I started to believe that this man was more divine than me. That he knew more about what was best for me than I did. That I should listen to him, and then I would finally become the empowered spiritual being that I craved so deeply to be.
My perception of what was right and wrong (and my ability to know what was right and wrong for ME) was morphed so slowly that I even didn’t notice it was happening. And over time, I was willing to accept compromises that - had they been offered to me initially - I'd have run away screaming.
Oh dear past Medha. If only you could have seen that disempowerment is NEVER the path to empowerment. That you were not broken and you didn’t need fixing.
That no-one is EVER more divine than you.
Just as you are never more divine than anyone else.
Ok, so why am I telling you all this?
Because it’s time. Because some of you are my clients, and although I’ve probably told you that I’d been in a cult, I didn't tell you that he put his hands on me against my will.
I minimised it in my head by saying that it was all superficial. Nothing terrible happened. He didn’t rape me. He did touch me, but it was only ever over clothes.
As I write that, I am aware that a part of me wanted to include that in this blog post - that what happened to me 'wasn’t that bad’ - because that part of me is still worried that you won’t understand why I allowed myself be in that situation and you will lose faith in me and my judgment.
But here’s why that experience matters, and ultimately why I’m sharing it with you.
That experience was like a PhD in disempowerment.
And I feel like ever since I left that place I’ve been earning a PhD in EMPOWERMENT.
I’ve had to reconstruct my self-confidence, my self-esteem, my trust in myself and my deep feeling and knowing that I am amazing, wise, powerful, capable, immensely lovable and worthy AF.
As are you.
I wrestled for the longest time after that experience, agonising about whether or not I’d ever be able to help people (another goal I've had since I was little) without making them dependent on me.
I realised that I’d never had a model for that.
For years, I tried to make sure that I wasn’t disempowering anyone by disempowering myself instead.
I didn’t share myself, or what I knew. I held things back.
That didn’t work and I'm no longer willing to do it.
But that’s ok, because I’ve realised that the feeling of someone trying to give me their power makes me physically nauseous (not a metaphor). And that’s my insurance now.
And for that very reason, I will never answer anyone's questions of 'should I do this or that?’ or ‘will this succeed?’.
I will never tell you what to do.
You will never see or hear me tell you that you need to buy my thing because it's the only solution to your problem or that I'm the salvation for your situation. Hell no.
That can never be true. Because in the end, we only ever save ourselves.
What I WILL do is share what I have learned that works. Because transformation with support is about a million times faster and easier than working things out from scratch on your own.
But if you ARE seeking support - whether that be from a coach, or a healer - my fervent hope is that you don't fall for the same disempowement/dependence disguised as empowerment bullshit that I fell for.
And to help you with that, I’ve made a cheat-sheet!
I invite you to run any teacher that you're considering being influenced by (whether paid or free) through that criterion. Myself included.
And finally, I realise now that this experience (along with a couple of other doozies that I won’t get into now), is why the big U guided me towards a) money energy and b) Oron.
Because the money energy work AND the Oron magic are all about empowerment, freedom, being supported, having choice, experiencing deep self-worth, the ability to give and receive unconditionally, and so much more.
And ultimately, we get that from ourselves.
A teacher can be a guide. But they can't be the solution.
If you’ve had an experience of disempowerment that you feel embarrassed about or ashamed of, let me tell you another little secret.
Most people have. Usually more than one.
And I also want to tell you THIS.
Because I get to feel amazing things when I channel Oron, I know this for sure.
No matter what you have lived, I know with every fibre of my being that you are already magical, amazing, and divine and that nothing that you ever do or have ever experienced can reduce your immeasurable worth.
That's simply not possible.
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