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  • Writer's pictureMedha Murtagh

Episode 90 – Why giving spirituality the finger occasionally can speed up your growth

Updated: Feb 28, 2023

Remember last week’s episode, where I was all ‘oh yay - I’ve somehow become naturally good at not fighting my constant headaches’? Yeah… about that. In this week’s episode I share with you my most recent ‘fuck spirituality’ moments and discuss why such moments are a crucial thing to let ourselves experience when they come up. And they DO come up. If you listen closely you’ll hear me move from full finger salute rebellion back to gratitude and commitment to my own growth. I didn’t notice this while I was recording it - probably because getting to that place wasn’t my intention - but when I listened back I realised that the fact that I allowed myself to be in my ‘fuck you’ moment in such an unrestricted way actually helped me to move through it so quickly.

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Remember last week's podcast episode where I was all, "Oh yay! I've somehow become naturally good at not fighting my constant headaches." Yeah, about that. In this week's episode, I share with you my most recent fuck spirituality moments and why such moments are a crucial, crucial thing to let ourselves experience when they come up, and they do come up. If you listen closely, you'll hear me move from full finger salute rebellion back to gratitude and commitment to my own growth. I didn't notice this while I was recording it, but when I listened back, I saw that the fact that I allowed myself to really be in my rebellion in such an unrestricted way actually helped me to move through it so much more quickly. Want to listen? Let's do it.

Welcome to A Clear Perspective, the podcast that helps you remember who you really are, what you really want, and the easiest way to get it. I'm Medha and I'm a direct voice channel for Oron, who give us straight talking, practical guidance to help us live joyful lives of abundance, ease, and positive impact the way we were meant to.

I am super surprised to find myself talking to you right now because normally the inspiration to record podcast episodes comes when I'm kind of feeling uplifted and energised. And this is absolutely the opposite of that. I feel like shit. I've had big headaches for most of the last few weeks. I've had to cancel a lot of stuff. This morning is another day where I'm working out with a headache. I have to wipe my calendar and I've spent a lot of large part of the day kind of sitting on the couch cuddling puppies with a throbbing head and the painkillers aren't helping. So why am I talking to you now? I guess we'll find out as I uncover what it is that I'm inspired to say here. Although I do have an idea. The inspiration to come hit me really strongly when I was thinking about the fact that in the episode that we released last week, I was talking about how okay I was with the fact that I was having so many headaches, how I was finding it somehow really easy to not fight the fact that I was having the headaches and I was able to just accept them, be with this experience and just kind of be through it rather than fight my way through it.

And today that is not the case. So today I am fucking over it. I'm not like wildly angry, but I am tense about the situation. I said to Matt this morning, so is this my life now? Like, is this just how I feel now? Because the headaches have been so I was going to say perennial, that's been so constant my experience over the last little while. I'm aware that a lot of people that I work with and talk to and also myself in the past, we tend to have this idea that spiritual growth and evolution is kind of linear, that it's like a straight line and we just kind of get better and better. We practise. But I feel like this is one of those things spirituality, evolution, personal growth is one of those things that it just isn't linear. So yes, it's true that last week I was in a place where I was accepting and not finding. And yes, it's also true that right now I'm not there. So it would be really easy to feel like I've gone backwards, but I haven't. This isn't backwards. It's an up and down. Right. But it's like we go deeper with things when we keep experiencing them, when we keep moving.

Actually, I'm not going to go down that tangent. I'm going to say something else instead. Right now, all of the high vibing spiritual understanding that made her has in general and lives her life through right now with where I am, they're not available to me. So I was going to say to you that usually when we keep feeling like we're coming up against the same block over and over again, when we're doing the work, we're actually going deeper. And yes, I believe that theoretically. But the reason I stopped myself from going there and talking about it as the explanation for why this happened is because right now I'm not in a place where that is available to me as anything more than a theory. The idea of me not fighting my headaches right now, which was so available as an experience for me last week, is just not available to me right now. I am not in a place of feeling like I can convince myself to have more high vibing thoughts because right now, in this moment, I just don't give a fuck right now, in this moment, if I had the choice, if there was a magic wand that gave me the choice of no more headaches and total healthiness versus continue down this path and learn all of these amazing things that will give me a fabulous future, I would rather choose option A.

Thank you very much. Fuck the growth, fuck the expansion. Because right now, where I am in this moment, I'm just over it and I just want relief. That doesn't make me a bad spiritual person. That doesn't mean that I've gone backwards. And actually, the fact that I'm okay with the fact that I want to say fuck you to spirituality and spiritual growth if the cost of it is having to have this health issue, the fact that I am okay with that, it's actually pretty fucking evolved. So I can't accept right now the experience that I'm having with my headaches, right? So I'm having tension around that. I can't get myself to a place where I can genuinely openly accept it. I could pretend to myself that I was accepting it, which would achieve literally nothing. Or rather, it would achieve more contraction and lack of honesty inside of myself. But the truth is, I can't get to a place right now in this moment of accepting the fact that I have headaches quite a lot right now, and the medical fraternity has got literally nothing left to offer me, and I have been trying to heal myself, and it's still something that is an ongoing issue for me, and I haven't solved it.

So I can't get myself in this moment to accept all of that. It's just not available to me. But what I can do is not come down harder to myself for the fact that I can't accept it. What I can do is bring acceptance to myself in this situation. I'm like, right and give myself compassion, because I've been moving through something really difficult, and it's totally reasonable for me as a human being to have the experience of wanting to go, No, I've had enough. Like, it's totally okay that that's where I am right now. Me moving through this isn't about me reminding myself that I'm committed to my growth and my evolution and the, Oh, my God, I just want to stick my finger up to all of that right now, and that's okay. What I can bring acceptance to is me and what I'm experiencing in this moment. And the best way for me to do spirituality from where I am right now, kind of on my knees a little, is to just love me and accept me and support me. So, yes, it's true that in this moment, I can't bring acceptance to my headaches.

But the fact that I can bring acceptance, to me, it's so fucking different to how I used to do my spirituality and how I used to live, really. And so I can bring the lightness energy, the allowing energy, and the acceptance energy into the space. Even if I can't accept the bigger global picture of what's happening, bringing that to me, like, it brought tears to my eyes. It brought a feeling of relief, which is what I've been looking for. So it's okay that it feels and looks like it goes up and down. And even though I'm in this place of not being really connected in the way that I usually am to the high viving spiritual ideals, I do remember and know that I've had this experience before and that I will move through it. But I don't need to get there quickly. I don't need to fast forward it. I can hold it as an understanding that helps me remove that. Usually when I move through this stuff, I come out the other side, and then if I want, I can pick up all those high viving spiritual ideals again and live via them or through them or use them as my philtre through which I engage with the world.

That's fine. That's still available for me. But it's also okay if right now I just want to put all that shit down and just fucking inwardly hug me and love me and give myself compassion and support in the fact that I don't really want to do anything, I don't really want to achieve anything. I don't feel right now like I've got much to contribute to other people, which is interesting, right? Because I'm sharing all of this with you and probably that's contribution, but it came spontaneously and it's helping me to work through it too. But it's okay that right now I'm feeling how I'm feeling and actually I didn't even realise that. The more I allow that and do that, I am still bringing lightness to the world. But that's a side effect. That's a side effect. I didn't come to sit here to talk to you, to bring lightness to the world. I came here because I felt the impulse and the inspiration. And so if that creates some lightness in the world, and it will, because it already has in me, I feel lighter now for having shared this with you. But that is like a bonus and it's a delicious thing that usually I can revel in, in this moment.

I am excited by it and uplifted by it, which is nice to realise. But I don't always have to be championing my spiritual ideals and I most certainly do not need to be using them to beat myself up when there are times and when I'm in places where I can't access them that fuel like I've shared with you now what I needed to share. I hope that's been helpful. It certainly has for me. Although there is one more thing I want to say before I finish. I share this stuff with you not because I am reaching out for help. This is actually quite interesting. I'm not sharing all of this with you saying that I need anything. Actually. I know that some of you will spontaneously feel like you want to reach out to me and that's beautiful and I love it and I'm not saying anything against that, but I fuel like it's important to mention that the energetics that I share the experience that I'm going through with, they're actually pretty empowered. I feel like it's important to share the process that I'm going through with it and the moving up and down kind of energetically and in terms of what spiritual ideas I can connect with, I think that's important and I think it's important not just that I talk about it theoretically, but right now I'm so very in it as I share it with you.

But I think the reason I am totally okay with sharing it is because I know that I'm not like this isn't an. SOS this isn't me going, oh my God, has anyone got any ideas that can help me with my headaches? This actually isn't about the headaches at all. What I really want to share is the process of how I'm moving through this difficulty and supporting myself on a real day to day authentic basis. So I didn't want to leave you with the idea that oh my God, mate is like totally not finding a headache. It's so amazing. And that was true, right? That was my experience last week and that was wonderful. But now this week it's not so wonderful because it's not as easy to be in the open space of allowing, but the fact that I'm bringing the allowing into the space anyway via allowing myself, that's wonderful in a different way. And so that's why I'm sharing it with you. Thank you for the love and thank you for the support. I actually feel really incredibly supported in this journey anyway. And so now I think I'm done with what I needed to say this time.

I know not one more thing just popped into my head. Into my head. Haha headaches. I still feel like I know inside of myself that this is something that I'm moving through and there's going to be another side. I feel like I will end up somewhere on the other side. But I also know inside of myself that whether I can access it in this moment or not, my deep desire for myself is to not need to have the certainty of that external outcome before I'm okay, I'm building the muscle of that right this second. And even though, what, seven minutes ago I said to you that if I could choose between having all this health stuff sorted or accessing the growth that this will all give me, I would choose having all the health stuff sorted right now, just a little bit later after having worked through some stuff via sharing it with you. I'm really grateful now for the gross and it's okay that that will change and I'll go back to fuck you gross I would rather than my health. Thank you very much. There's nothing wrong in my reaction and there's nothing wrong in yours.

The lessons and the joy actually of self acceptance makes this whole thing so much more palatable, so much more easeful, even though it is still hard. And I'm so happy for myself that I've spent the time cultivating that and I hope that you do too. I hope that me sharing this helps to support you in developing that for yourself as well. And if you don't already have it, I am going to mention that there's a free mini course for the return to wholeness process, which is the way that I've managed to develop this skill set for myself. Not always accepting the universe, but at least accepting myself, which I think mostly I used to live the other way. I used to try and accept the universe by coming down hard of myself and trying to force myself to accept she if I wasn't ready to accept. Spoiler alert, that doesn't work. Thank you for being open to all of this and sharing this journey with me. Not just the health journey, but the inner journey. I really super appreciate you and I wish you every good thing.

I know that the practicalities of doing this work can be a little confusing. If you want some practical support with it and you'd prefer a do it yourself option, then be sure to grab the Free Return to Wholeness Mini Course you'll find that at If you'd prefer more personalised support, you can now book a private zoom call with me where I'll personally take you through the return to wholeness process. If that sounds good to you, go to You'll find the link to both of those in the show notes. Thanks for listening. And in the words of Oron, go well.

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