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  • Writer's pictureMedha Murtagh

Episode 104 – Learning to let go of the illusion of control

Updated: Feb 27, 2023

In this episode I talk candidly with you about how I’m managing my dad’s diagnosis of super aggressive brain cancer, and the insights and struggles I’m experiencing as I make my way through it. This isn’t a pleasant catalyst for spiritual growth, But I am doing some heavy duty pondering about life, the universe and how it all works. Which is how I discovered an awesome energy hack that I wanna share with you. You can use it to soothe the energy of any relationship or situation, irrespective of any crappiness that might be happening in the physical world.

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In this episode, I talk candidly with you about how I'm managing my dad's diagnosis of super-agressive brain cancer and the insights and struggles that I'm experiencing as I make my way through it. This isn't a pleasant catalyst for spiritual growth, but I am doing some heavy duty pondering about life, the universe and how it all works. Which is how an awesome energy hack.

That I want to share with you. You can use this hack to soothe the energy of any relationship or situation, irrespective of whatever crappiness you might be experiencing in the physical world. Let's do it.

Welcome to A Clear Perspective, the podcast that helps you remember who you really are, what you really want and the easiest way to get it. I'm Medha and I'm a direct voice channel for Oron, who give us straight talking, practical guidance to help us live joyful lives of abundance, ease and positive impact the way we were meant to.

If you've been listening over the last couple of weeks, you already know that my dad was diagnosed with a brain tumour. I'm here to give you an update. I haven't got any notes, I haven't got any plans. I'm just going to talk to you about what's happening and where I am and the insights and process journey, I guess that I'm going through with this. We got really bad news once the biopsy results were finally back and communicated to us. So dad has got a really aggressive kind of brain cancer that has already restarted to grow back since they did the surgery. It's not looking good on quite a few levels. The thing that we have up our sleeve, though, is that Dad's body responded really well to the operation. So before he had the tumour removed, we were told that hopefully he'll be able to walk and hopefully he'll be able to talk afterward. And the doctors are now saying that they feel like it's a bit miraculous how well my dad is doing, given how much of his brain was removed not that long ago. He's doing amazingly, remarkably well. The process, though, of moving through this kind of emotionally and psychically and physically and energetically and all of the things for me has been a bit of a roller coaster ride.

Obviously, my preference would have been that this isn't the situation that we're in, but the truth is this is the situation that we find ourselves in. And I've done quite a lot of crying, quite a bit of functional action, quite a lot of nothing. As you may know, we stopped sending emails and stopped releasing podcast episodes for a period of time when we first discovered that dad had the brain tumour, so that I had kind of the space to process emotionally what I was doing without feeling like I had to create output or work. This last week, since we got the details of the actual diagnosis of the aggressiveness of the cancer and the actual situation. I've been doing pretty much nothing. Actually. When I look at it more clearly, I have been doing things like taking down to a bunch of appointments. I've taken him to do practical things like supermarket or post office, that sort of stuff. I've also done a few sessions here and there, which I've chosen to do because my work is a thing that helps me to connect to the magic in the universe and this is a time when I really need that.

So there are times where I feel like I'm up to doing sessions with people and there are times where I feel like I'm not. So I'm playing it by ear and I'm lucky enough that all my clients are really amazing and awesome and quite flexible and understanding of the situation. So in truth, I have been doing some things. But my experience of the last week has been that I've done nothing. I've listened to the podcast, I've listened to some audiobooks, I've walked the doors. I've technically been doing things, but I feel like I haven't. And it's a really weird thing how much it feels like I've been doing nothing and also how good it is that I can feel that way. Given that my response to crisis is usually to, right, what do we do? How can we fix it? How can we manage? It's actually a way of trying to exert control over things that I have literally no control over and I'm not really doing that now. So there are times where I'm imagining a future without my dad and blowing my eyes out. There are times where I am feeling quite fine and laughing at jokes and even making them and there's kind of everything in between.

One thing that I've been really deeply contemplating though, is the fact that when I do sessions with people, it sometimes happens now that I can connect into the energy of people who love them, that are in the other realm, shall we say. Now, the things I share here and everywhere that I share things, I offer them to you without needing for you to believe what I'm saying. I don't need to try and convince you of anything. But I'll tell you that in my personal experience. When I do have the privilege. Actually. Because it's extraordinary. Of connecting to people who have died. I guess all the essence. The energy. Whatever it is. The amount of amazing love. Unconditional. Pure. True. Unconditional love that I feel is coming to us from the other side is so extraordinary and amazing and it holds none of the bullshit that those same people would have carried inside of them when they were in a physical body. So I've experienced that enough time that that formed my belief system, I guess, or my understanding of what happens when we die. I also had the experience of having my two dogs die within like six days of each other from unrelated causes a couple of years ago.

And God, I hated that. That was awful. But it was also the catalyst for a lot of kind of expansion and growth. And I'm finding myself remembering those times, how I process the grief of those angel beings who felt like my soulmate in so many ways. The process when they first died, for me, was mostly anger, actually. I was pissed off at God and the universe for designing the world in a way that dogs don't get to live long enough. I was rallying against the fact that they went so close together. I was just really, really upset for a really long period of time and so desperately sad. And I missed my friends and I miss my buddies, which meant that because I was so in the missing of them, it was really impossible for me to connect them in any way energetically until I moved through enough of the grief. So it took quite a long time for me to start to feel them and sense them. But once I did, it was actually quite amazing. I felt like they were with me, and I felt like I could connect in with them, and I felt like I could go to places where they weren't allowed when they were still in the body and have them come with me.

And over time, those energies have morphed for me, but I can still connect into them. So I have to think that I.

Don't know how much longer my dad's going to be alive. Some of the stuff that the doctors have said implies that it might not be very long. Some of them say it might be. So I'm in this place of absolute not knowing what's coming next, not knowing the outcome, having no guarantees. And that is actually one of the skill sets that I've been trying to build in myself for a really long time now. I know that the more comfortable I am with not knowing the outcome of things, with not pretending to myself that I know the outcome in advance, so I can soothe myself into feeling like I've got some level of control when I really have none. I want to live in a way where I'm comfortable with not knowing, because when I'm living from that place, I know that I make better choices. I'm much more aligned. I'm actually empowered and free and not feeling like I'll take a shit option just because then at least I'll know what's coming. And this situation is pushing all of those buttons for me. It's so tempting for me to demand an answer from the universe about how this is going to be resolved.

How much longer will I have my dad here? What state will he be in, given that the stuff is happening in his brain? Like, how will that affect his personality? There's a level at which I'm going to rephrase what I said because I just discovered something inside of myself. I was going to say there's a level at which, yes, I want to know all those things. And although that is true, there is a level on which I want to know them. There's also a big chunk of me that wants to be okay with not knowing it, that isn't kind of jumping ahead and is wanting to respond to the situation as it happens in the best way possible and have that be how I live and how I manage it. And so this situation is shitty, no doubt about that, but also kind of the perfect photo for me to learn to let go even more deeply. The illusion of control is something I've been wanting to do for a really long time. That doesn't mean it doesn't suck, because it does. That doesn't mean I wouldn't prefer it to be different, because I would.

But given that this is where I'm at and this is what I'm facing, I really hold the intention for myself that I face this in a conscious, empowered way that takes care of me and those around me to the degree that's appropriate, and that I flow with this with wisdom, discernment, and I say detachment, but detachment can be interpreted as wanting to be kind of disconnected. But that's not what I want. What I do want is to be connected to my dad, myself, universe, without trying to white knuckle, without trying to hold tightly, without trying to be rigid. So, today, as I record this, I'm kind of feeling, okay, there are many times when I'm not where I'm heartbroken and devastated. More so now that we know what the real situation is. But honestly, we still don't know what the real situation is. I don't know if we ever know what the real situation is in things. We have to wait to see how Dad's body responds to the chemotherapy and the radiation and all of those sorts of things. But isn't that just really how life is? It all unfolds, how it unfolds, and we try to pretend to ourselves that we know what's going to happen.

So, yeah, my dad's got brain cancer right now, right? So there's a lot of my energy and my focus going towards that. But also someone else that I dearly love could have a car accident tomorrow. I've got no control over that. But I live with the illusion that I do. Most of us do. We live with the illusion. And I am just realising to what extent I used to feel this about my dad. I kind of thought he was going to be around always, which I know he's not logical, which I know makes no sense, but having to face the fact that he may not be here lets me know how much that has not even been a potential possibility in my consciousness before. And I know I'm not the only person who's coming to this realisation, that even though I know better, I kind of thought he'd be around forever because that's kind of how we live, isn't it? So the thing that I started to mention before is that what I've been feeling guided to lately is something that is really powerful, really amazing, and I want to share it with you because it has so much potential to change energy and emotions and actually, ultimately situations.

But if you try and do it to change the situation, it won't be as powerful. So I'm going to invite you to choose to play with what I'm about to offer, but you to do it for the sake of yourself. What I've been guided to do lately is to connect energetically to my dad. And you can do that in whatever way feels appropriate to you. I do it in a few different ways, but the way that I do it the most often is I see it with my eyes closed. I get centred, I get really conscious, I really connected to the experience of my body and me and basically get ready the same way that I get ready to do meditation, and I guess it is a form of meditation. And then what I do is I invite the spirit of my dad. The soul of my dad. The energy of my dad. The most evolved aspect of him to be in oron of me. And then I commune with him and then I feel the heart connection that I have with him and the love that we have together that he has for me and that I have for him.

And if there are anything that I feel like I need to say to my dad, I say it to the spirit and the soul of him. I used to think that this was something that was only really available when people had died and their bodies were no longer holding a lot of their perspectives and views and traumas in their consciousness. What I realise now is that we can do this energetic connection with anybody and it's been really helpful for me to do that. When I'm with my dad, I say, I love you a lot more than I used to. Now every time we talk, basically. But I don't want to burden my dad with anything, because right now he gets tired doing hardly anything and he is in recovery mode. And so I am connecting with him from the deepest, most profound level and that level will be available to me whether he's in a physical body or not. I am hopeful that me practising this while he's still in the body will mean that when he isn't, I'm going to have already built the muscle of connecting deeply into the divinity of him. Hopefully, that will mean that I won't have a big lag time between when he does go, whenever that might be, because I have no idea when that might be.

That might not be for a long time yet, but I hope that building that connection will make it mean that when he does, I won't have a big lag of time where I just feel his absence. Oron says all the time that we are the Universe and we are, but we're also the little energetic individuals. It's like we're the wave and we're the ocean. And I think that's why we can connect with people even when they're still in the body, because it's only a small percentage of them that's in the body. That's my perspective. Not pushing it on you, sharing it with you. Whether you believe the big picture energetic framework that I'm talking about right now or not is going to be relevant because it's still available to you. The ability to connect in with the heart and soul of somebody, even when their personality or anything else is standing in the way of you doing that on a practical, physical level in any relationship that you're having. So if you've got someone who you're in conflict with or struggling with or estranged from, or even someone who you have a relationship with that feels fantastic and you want to expand on that, I really invite you to consider playing with this idea of having your soul from your divinity connect with death.

I've been moving through a lot of crap by doing this, and it's been a lot easier than having to unpack each individual problem or paradigm or pattern or belief. And so I think this is something I'm going to start doing more regularly, and not just with people who have cancer in my life, just with anyone that I am wanting to experience a dividend with. And I invite you to play with it too. That's my offering to you, my gift to you. I hope it brings you as much soothing as what it is bringing to me. Thank you again for your messages of love and support. This is again a really difficult and shitty time, but I'm also really strong and resilient as fuck and I'm going to be fine. But I appreciate all the love, all of the support, and I'll do another one of these shares for you when I feel inspired. Thank you.

In case you're not reading as much as I do, I want to make sure that you know about Scribd. It's got a massive catalogue full of ebooks, magazines and audiobooks. And unlike Audible, it charges you one low monthly fee for full access to everything. No more buying individual items. I'm in love with it and I'm telling everyone I know about it.

If you go to their website to sign up, you currently get one month for free. But if you sign up using our link, which you'll find at, they will double that free period to two months. So you can binge and play as much as you want, knowing that you can cancel anytime you'll find the link in the show notes. I hope you love it as much as I do. Thanks for listening. And in the words of Oron, go well.

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