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  • Medha Murtagh

Episode 102 – Using the crap stuff to grow: dealing with my dad's brain tumor


In this episode I talk you through the way I’m moving through my dad’s recent brain tumour diagnosis. I talk about the practical things I’m doing to stay conscious during this shitty time and how that’s helping me to shift my old trauma instead of adding fresh trauma to my world.

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Transcript

In this episode, I share with you the way I'm moving through my dad's recent brain tumor diagnosis. I talk about the practical things I'm doing to stay conscious during the shitty time and how that's helping me to shift my old trauma instead of adding fresh trauma to my world. Let's do it.


Welcome to A Clear Perspective, the podcast that helps you remember who you really are, what you really want and the easiest way to get it. I'm Medha and I'm a direct voice channel for Oron who give us straight talking, practical guidance to help us live joyful lives of abundance, ease and positive impact; the way we were meant to.


I feel like I'm on one of those reality TV shows where people do like audio diaries, I guess, rather than visual ones. I feel like sitting down and sharing with you the process that I've been going through since my dad's tumor was discovered. Clearly I've taken a break from the podcast. I'm not quite sure when this is going to be released, but we will all see how it all unfolds.


Dad had surgery yesterday. The surgery apparently has gone really well and I spoke to dad today and he sounds much better, actually, than he sounded before the surgery. Dad is now in isolation. We can't go and visit him because he was in a room with someone who tested positive for COVID.


But they did the operation. He sounds really great. The bad news that we got though was that there was some cancer-looking, abnormal-looking stuff in his brain on the left side as well as the right. So we knew there was a big tumor on the righthand side of his brain. We didn't know that there was also some issues in the left side. So right now we still don't have the biopsy, but they are very much suspecting that it's cancer and he's going to need radiation and chemotherapy because they didn't get it all.


The emotional, spiritual, personal development process that I've been going through as I do this is really interesting. I have been quite aware of myself and what I'm experiencing and what I need and I think that I've been coping really well with all of it. But my definition of coping really well with all of it might be different to how some other people might think managing really well through something like this looks like. I'm not being just stoic and doing everything that needs to be done and shutting down my emotion in order to be able to do that.


Actually there are times when I am doing that, but I'm absolutely, definitely not doing that as my comprehensive stand towards this. There are many, many times where I've been bawling my eyes out and feeling the sadness of not just what's happening with my dad, but also processing the disappointment or the pain or the wishful thinking of what I wanted our relationship to be that it just wasn't. There are some ways that I've been holding on to some resentment around some of my dad's decisions and behaviors and ways that he's treated me or ways that he is that are in conflict to ways that I am. And I haven't really consciously sat to do much work on that.


It's interesting to me that my mom, who treated me in really destructive, violent domestic abuse kind of emotional ways, I've really consciously done the work with and have totally forgiven her, have got not even .1% resentment about everything I lived through with her. But dad who technically wasn't as bad as Mum, I've still been carrying some of that stuff and this situation where I'm having to face the fact that he may not be around for much longer or at least not around in the way that I have always thought of him because of the fear that - it's brain surgery. Who knows what will happen and what parts of his personality will be impacted or affected. It has really given me a chance to process some old emotion that I had disconnected from and honestly just couldn't be bothered dealing with.


It was never a big massive heavy block of crap around my dad. If it had been, I think I would have been more mindful to actually kind of clear it out. So it sort of feels in hindsight now like a weight that I've been carrying, but it's just some stones in my pocket rather than, you know, big heavy rocks on my shoulders.


So it's funny, as humans, sometimes when things are not awesome but tolerable it can be easy to not make the effort to clean it up. And as I move more and more to living in a way and from a mode that I want to live from - so I want to live in a way that's aligned and flowing and not resisting anything that happens in my moments even though I might have preferences for them to be different. I don't want to be fighting, I don't want to be pushing, I want to live in flow. I want to live in alignment to the energy of magic and miracles. I really care about all that stuff. I really want that for myself.


And so, yes, there are things right now that are in my energy field that are not a match to that that I need to look at and play with if I want to move forward to living in that way that I really do want to live from more and more and more and more. And so this situation with my dad is highlighting some of the rocks that I'm still carrying in my pocket. And it's so interesting to watch myself move through this experience because I am feeling the feelings and sometimes I'm really scared and sometimes I'm feeling angry and sometimes I'm feeling whatever soup of emotion I'm moving through. I'm feeling it all and I feel that because I'm doing that I'm not accumulating more rocks.


Even though this is like a really stressful, challenging, hard situation, I feel like the fact that I'm letting myself do what I need to do - sometimes it's be around people, sometimes it's not talk to anyone, sometimes it's be in my own space. I've done many times where I've gone to the beach and just sat there for hours. So I'm doing the things that I need to do for myself, and I'm listening to myself really well. And I feel like because I'm doing that and because when it gets too much I actually let myself be distracted and I let myself eat nourishing shit food just because I want it, because I want to be soothed... As I let myself be soothed in the ways that I need to in the moment, I feel that this situation, which could actually be something that adds a shitload of trauma to my world - because it's a bit of a potentially challenging, traumatic experience to be moving through - I genuinely feel that because I'm actually feeling all the feelings and not forcing myself to try and process stuff I'm not ready for taking, breaks when I need to, I feel like rather than adding more rocks to my pockets, I'm actually slowly cleaning out some of the old rocks that I've carried for so long that I didn't even know that they were in there.


So I'm really moving through a lot of stuff. And sometimes I have these little pockets of space where I just get to sense that it's like a rock has dropped from my pocket and there's a level of anxiety that feels like it's left my body. And that's not to say I'm not going to feel anxiety in the future, but I feel like I'm eating up the fuel of the old repressed anxiety that I've lived with for most of my life.


So am I glad my dad got brain cancer so that I could process his stuff? Well, it's not what I would've chosen. If I could have had a list of options for things to choose from, I would absolutely not be picking, "Yes, please. Let my dad have brain cancer."


But as I really get to a place of not fighting and not resisting - and I'll tell you this. It's so interesting. Sometimes me moving to a genuine place of not fighting and not resisting means really being with the experience of fighting and resisting first. So when I say I feel like I'm not fighting and resisting, that doesn't mean that I have no moments at all where that's happening. I absolutely do. But I feel like what I'm doing is I'm going into them and fully feeling and experiencing those feelings of fighting. But I also feel a little bit like I'm not buying my own bullshit as much.


So, yes. I'm feeling the feeling of resisting and fighting in a moment. But I'm aware that my intention is to overall not get stuck in that place. And so it's like I can move through it more easily because I'm not making it mean that I am someone who fights and resists or I'm not making it mean that I absolutely need my dad to be totally healthy and recovered before I can be happy or well. I'm not making things contingent on things being resolved the way that I want them to.


And this is something I've been kind of unpacking for a few years, actually. The difference between having preferences and being like a powerful creator that moves forward in the world creating consciously, doing that and being that without fighting and resisting. So the fact that I've realized that sometimes to genuinely get to the place of not fighting and resisting, I have to move through my desire to fight and through my desire to resist and through the emotions and the energetic pockets that fuel those feelings so that they can get used up and then I can relax into the allowing of what is. I'm getting better at that.


I'd really love to be an expert level genius of it so that the universe does not need to provide me with more opportunities to learn it, but I actually think I'm doing well with it.


And so what I was saying before is that I do think that I'm doing well with it but sometimes that might look like I'm breaking down to someone outside of me. That might look like I'm isolating myself or shutting down. But actually what it is, is really letting myself be in the moments that I'm in. And then when that becomes too much, I can just watch Netflix. Like I can just go for a walk with the dogs. I can just do other things that nourish me and feed me without me demanding of myself that I'm constantly moving forward to something.


Oron said before the universe is always expanding and we're not excluded from that. Like we are always, always expanding. And I really love doing that in a more conscious way and I feel like I'm really starting to understand from the inside, in an embodied way, rather than in a theoretical idea based way what it does mean to be empowered, to be conscious, to be a creator. But also to not fight, not push and to not pretend that I know how the universe is meant to be. That I know that this thing is right and that thing is wrong and this is how it needs to be. And that tension that we hold inside of ourselves when we feel that way, it's actually really heavy.


So I'll continue moving through this, I'll continue sharing it with you as and when I feel inspired. But I think this is a really big deal and it doesn't need to be that you have a big crisis to enact some of this stuff for yourself. We get small opportunities all the time to tune into ourselves and learn to support ourselves and hear what's really happening for ourselves and to learn to be authentic with ourselves and flow with ourselves. We get big and small opportunities for that all the time. And you don't have to take them all, because there's always going to be another one and another one.


So I'm just holding the intention for myself that I love myself well, that I support myself well. And I invite you to consider having that intention for yourself, too.


There's a morning intention setting practice that I created - it's on YouTube and on Insight timer. We can put a link to it in the show notes - where you set your intention for the day. And one of the most beautiful lines that I was inspired to add to that was, "I wish myself well for today." It seems so simple, but the energy of it feels really magical and loving and beautiful.


And so I wish my dad well today. I wish you well today, and I wish myself well today and always. I'll talk to you soon.


I know that the practicalities of doing this work can be a little confusing. If you want some practical support with it and you prefer a do it yourself option, then be sure to grab the free Return to Wholeness mini course. You'll find that at oronandmedha.com/wholeness. If you prefer more personalized support, you can now book a private Zoom call with me where I'll personally take you through the Return to Wholeness process. If that sounds good to you, go to orontandmedha.com/session. You'll find a link to both of those in the show notes. Thanks for listening. And in the words of Oron, Go well.




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