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In this episode I share with you my candid and raw experience of moving through a massive upleveling of consciousness. I use myself as the guinea pig to explore the most common ways that we limit our own growth instead of supporting it, and how to flip the switch on that, so that growth and expansion happen so much more easily that we're used to. I’ve spoken about some of this before. But I’ve never understood it this clearly. And I think the more of us that get it, the better our lives, and therefore our world.
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Transcript
In this episode, I once again get raw and real with you as I share the experience that I've had with my health issue, how it intersects with my spirituality. Something pretty massive has happened in terms of all of that, and I'm really excited to share it with you. I feel like I've got so much more clarity now around some of the ways that we limit our personal growth instead of supporting it, and how we can flip the switch on that so that growth and expansion happen so much more easily than even I could conceive before. Let's do it. Welcome to A Clear Perspective, the podcast that helps you remember who you really are, what you really want, and the easiest way to get it. I'm Medha and I'm a direct voice channel for Oron who give us straight talking, practical guidance to help us live joyful lives of abundance, ease and positive impact the way we were meant to. I think this might be the first podcast episode that I've done solo where I am sitting down with no real idea or some vague idea of what it is that I want to share with you.
I don't think I have the words exactly to explain it, because it's not something that I completely understand with my mind now. But I've got the impulse inside of myself to record this now, to share this with you now. So let's all go on the journey together of discovering what it is that I am going to share. Firstly, if you haven't been listening to the previous episodes where I've spoken in quite a lot of detail about my health, you may want to consider listening to those as context for what I'm about to share. But in brief summary, I've had for the last couple of years some really debilitating health conditions. No doctors can work out what it is. I've seen about ten specialists ra-ra-ra all this stuff. The final thing that was being suggested by the medical fraternity was to have an operation, a biopsy, which is heavily complicated by the fact that I have lymphedema because there were some MRI results that showed some abnormalities in my muscles. And if the abnormality was proved correct by a biopsy, it might explain like a range of the symptoms that I'm having.
Like I can't rotate my spine. It's difficult to move my eyes. All this stuff fit into the idea that there's like a muscular problem. So I cleared three weeks of my calendar, which if you're a regular podcast listener, you know that you haven't heard a podcast episode for three weeks. So that's the reason. So I clear three weeks of my calendar and just was going ahead and doing the things as they presented to me. I didn't think I had like a massive attachment to getting an answer from the surgery. You will discover, as I did, that that actually wasn't quite right. I cleared the time, made sure Matt was home to be able to take care of me because I wasn't really allowed to stand on my leg for a week and a half. Two weeks got myself as good. Anyway, I was ready and set for the surgery, which happened. So I had the surgery and I had set myself all up. I had lots of things to listen to, lots of things to watch, lots of things to kind of draw with and play with.
And I was ready for just a couple of weeks of just downtime, recovery, not doing any work, not having any kind of demands on me at all. The first day was kind of fine. I was a bit groggy from the anesthetic. It kind of effects me that stuff and painkillers do as well. So the first day was a bit of, you know, flying around, resting around, easy peasy. Then on the second day, I flared up a back injury. So I was recovering from the surgery and I flat out my back and it was painful. It was so incredibly painful that I'll tell you, it would take me like 3 minutes to roll from one side of my body while lying in bed to the other, like it felt like I couldn't move. Every movement was really difficult. Lying down felt like it was the least painful thing. But also I felt like it was kind of fucking my back up more to not be moving, but I wasn't allowed to walk. That was this comedy of errors and it was really fucking painful and it was just not a lot of fun.
I needed help from Matt for the most basic things. So. So having a bath now because I could now shower was this really hard thing, trying to get myself into the bath with this sore back anyway. Really difficult time. It was not fun at all. I wasn't in the mood for watching things. I took some painkillers and my body reacts really strongly to those sorts of things. And so that made me feel like nauseous and six. Then I didn't take the painkillers, so then I was in more pain and ra-ra-ra. That whole thing. The back pain on top of the surgery and the real, real stopping was not a lot of fun. And I did fight it inside myself initially going, well, it's not fair. Why this on top of the other thing. But surprisingly that that was kind of brief like my period of of really resisting that it had happened. Matt was being really great and really helpful. And so then I just kind of went, Oh, well, I had planned on not doing anything.
And so I mostly just lay down, closed my eyes. Eventually I started getting interested in listening to audiobooks. I did a little bit of that. But in summary, the week after the surgery was hell. I didn't feel very full in terms of energy. I didn't feel like I had a lot of resources. A week after the surgery, I had to go with my little knee screwed up because I still was in a lot of work to see the surgeon and get the results of the biopsy. The results of the biopsy was that my muscles were normal and that felt like it hit me in the stomach. I didn't realise that I had pinned so much hope into the idea that, you know, this was going to give us the answers and therefore hopefully the solution to kind of move forward so that I can reclaim my health and vitality. I thought that I was just doing the thing that was in front of me and I was really unconscious of how much I had pinned my hopes until those hopes felt like they were taken away from me.
That was the experience. So I left the surgeon. Matt had gone for a walk because of COVID. He wasn't allowed to come in. It only took 9 minutes. The surgeon was not very kind in the way he delivered the information and I paid the bill, took myself out in my scooter, waited by the car, sat myself down on the floor, and I held and cried with the big, loud sobbing, you know, those sorts of cries, which I don't really remember doing for a really long time. And I just sat there and balled my little eyes out for about 10 minutes, by which time Matt came back, put his arms around me, hugged me, reassured me that everything is going to be fine. But I inside of myself felt so devastated, so incredibly devastated. This has been years and years of me trying to do the right things and find the right practitioners and doing the healing and clear up all the stuff and it just felt like it broke me. I'm normally a pretty happy person with a positive attitude, like I've I've worked at cultivating that, but it's kind of a reclaimed.
It is kind of my natural. But I had no access to any of that. And poor Matt, who really struggles to kind of see me upset and see me cry. It was just kind of doing his best, but also trying to cheer me up. So I said to him, Look, I'm just going to be devastated for today. Just, you know, let me be. It's okay. Like I'll get back to being happy at some point. But my true feeling inside of myself, like my feeling was so intense that it felt like I would never smile again. It felt like I would never be happy and enthusiastic and myself again. But the reason it felt like that is because it's like all of my defences were gone and I just sank into the experience, into the depths of the despair and the defeat and the hopelessness that I felt. And I just was there, like. Really deeply feeling those feelings. I just came home, sat back down on the couch and just looked at the trees move.
Had no inspiration to do anything to think. Anything to do anything. I still didn't want to do a single thing. And I sat like that, like, utterly broken for most of the day. And Matt couldn't help himself. He'd still come in and go, you know, don't worry, you know, find another doctor. We'll find it. I'm like, It's fine, it's fine. I was in it in such an unrestricted way that I actually started to use up the feel of it. So I went from honestly, genuinely couldn't imagine that I'd ever be happy again to eventually going, Oh, maybe I might watch a comedy. And I started watching Parks and Rec, which I am absolutely in love with. I've been loving that show, but nothing made me smile. Even Parks and Rec with its genius and amazing in awesomeness. But at least I had the impulse to watch it. So I went with that. And then gradually I just started to feel a bit more like myself. So I used up kind of the few of all of that despair, and I was really mindful of not trying to fast forward to being happy.
Like, I didn't want to stay in the despair any longer than I needed to. But that was my experience. And I somehow managed to not at all restrict. The experience of the despair and then the feel of it was kind of used up. And I got to tell you, the thing that I said at the start of this, that I don't know that I have the words to describe, but I'm going to try and describe anyway, because I've had the impulse to share this with you, is that since that experience and it kind of took a couple of days, but I started to feel different by about three quarters of day one after getting their results. It took a couple of days, but after I felt like I used up that despair, fuel, energy, and I was really with myself in it. It's like I sat with myself as though there was a friend of mine who was devastated. I just kind of sat with her. But the her was me. I feel really different after that experience.
And that was a week ago today, the day that I'm recording this. So I feel like I've entered another level of consciousness. Like a higher level of consciousness where I can now see things that were totally invisible to me before. So before this experience, Oron in my intuition and channelling that I've had and, you know, healings and things like that kept saying to me, these health issues for you are about deeply surrendering, really letting go. And, you know, being the creator of your life, like, not in a passive way, but learning to really be supported and to flow. So that's been coming to me as kind of wisdom for the entirety of the time that these health issues have been going on. So that's more than two years now. But with my old level of consciousness, I was so aware of how much progress I had had in the area of allowing. It's like I couldn't see all the places and the ways that I was still fighting myself the universe, the reality, other people.
I just couldn't see it. And so then I would kind of sometimes get annoyed at the message because I'm like, Well, I'm doing it already, so why isn't it getting fixed? Was what I would sometimes experience. But since this sort of no upper level transformation, whatever the word for it is. I it's like I can look back and see so much. Resistance inside of myself. So much fighting against inside of myself that I was entirely unaware of before. And it really feels like I've taken a massive step up, a massive step up in my level of consciousness. And I can see now as well where I'm resisting. That I just couldn't say before. I know that I am kind of repeating myself. I think that's because I'm still getting my head around it and trying to explain it to you. But I cannot express to you how amazing it is for me to now be able to see these massive pockets of resistance that I had no idea that I was carrying. I feel like I've been building up the muscle of kind of self-acceptance and self-awareness for years and years and years.
And now I'm at a place where I can do the really deep, profound work. Of complete acceptance. Firstly of myself, I think I've been trying to accept the universe and I think many of us do that. I've been pondering this. I think we try and be conscious manifestos and use the law of attraction and work with our energy. So that we flow with the universe around supported by it. Right. But often we do that by trying to control ourselves inside of ourselves, by trying to make ourselves be kind of like perfect inside of ourselves so that the universe will reflect that perfection back to us. But the thing is. Resisting ourselves as we are is like the biggest resistance of all because it's always going to be the outside world. Mirroring the inside world. Always, always. Always, always. But I think we trick ourselves. I think we trick ourselves into thinking that what we're doing is getting ourselves to that perfectly aligned place, aligned with the thing that we want. When what we're really doing is trying to ram ourselves into submission with what we think we need to be inside of ourselves so that we get the outside thing.
And so since I've moved through this process, I'll call it. To these high level. I am also aware. Of the resistance that I have that I didn't have before. And I started playing with this question. What? Inside of myself am I resisting right now? And what came up was. To people in my family. I'm not going to go into the details because they have their own perspective and there's no need for me to share that. I'm happy to share all of myself with you, but I'm not going to share other people's stories or issues. Two people in my family came up. I'm resisting them. So when I was in the. Old level of consciousness. My understanding, my knowing inside of myself is that it's better for me to not be in resistance against anything that's more flowing. So I think my own level of consciousness, I would have tried to not resist these people. Like I would have had the intention of not resisting them. But what I'm doing now from this new state of consciousness is I'm not trying to get myself to accept them.
What I'm doing. And this happened quite spontaneously and quite automatically. I'm kind of reverse engineering it as I describe it to you, and I'm kind of getting insight into the process that's happening because it's been really spontaneous. When I realised that I'm resisting them now, my natural impulse isn't to try and fast forward myself to accepting them. It's to accept me, not accepting them. Accepting me has to be priority number one, because if I'm not accepting me, then I'm resisting me. And there's no fucking way I'm going to get from resisting myself to not resisting things in the outside world. Like it's not possible with my relationship with the outside world is filtered through my relationship with myself. The things I create in my outside world are filtered through what I'm creating inside of me. And so I am now playing with, genuinely playing with rather than trying to fix myself or make myself better. I am playing with accepting me. And sometimes what I'm accepting is the fact that I'm in resistance. But that's okay.
Accepting me trumps everything. So it's like I've got different eyes now. I've got clearer vision, which is kind of hilarious. If you think about the fact that one of my biggest issues with my health stuff has been with my eyes. So I feel like I am now kind of at the start of something. I feel like I'm at the kindergarten level of this level of consciousness. I don't really know how it works. I don't really know how to wield it, but it actually doesn't matter. Because I'll work my way through it. I'll play my way through it. I'll be guided through it. And so the other thing that I've been doing since I've kind of access this level of consciousness is finding so much more availability inside of myself to sit with and be with my difficult emotions. And there's a level of. I never thought of it as anxiety, but I think it actually is. I feel like they used to have all this anxiety kind of mentally and emotionally and energetically and physically. And what I would have said before I had this upheaval is that I've I've kind of cleared it through all of the places except for my body.
So my feeling was that my body was still holding on to the anxiety, but my emotions and my mind kind of went. I thought that I was having my heart beat fast without any kind of connexion to emotional content or mental content. And that was kind of true. But since I've got this deep level of awareness now, what I realised is that the thoughts that trigger the experience of my fast racing heart, which I'm now going to call anxiety, are so subtle because I've still been carrying deep within me the feeling that I'm in charge of everything and I have to do everything. So before I used to think that I would have thoughts about, Oh, I'll do this amazing thing, I'll do this other amazing thing. And I was really aware of the feeling of excitement around it. But much more subtle than that was the tension that would come up inside of me because of the feeling that I'm responsible for the outcome. So I'm so much more aware, so much more subtly, now that I'm able to be there for myself in a really much deeper way than I ever was before.
So I'm sitting with the anxiety in my heart, and now I feel like I'm genuinely, honestly not trying to fix that. I feel like the same way that I had that sitting with despair experience where I just kind of used up the feel of it, but I didn't sit with it in order to use up the fuel of it. That's just the consequence. I feel like I'm being able to genuinely be with accept and love my anxiety and the part of me that's anxious, understanding that ultimately that part of me is just as powerful as the rest, but without trying to fast forward it there. I thought I was already doing that. I realise now that to some degree I was, but to a much deeper degree I wasn't. And so I am celebrating myself for this heightened awareness, for this ability to realise that there's more places where I can expand. I'm not beating myself up for not having seen it before. And that's what so many of us do. I used to do it. Most people that I work with do it.
When we realise that we haven't been doing something as well as what we thought, we can come down hard on ourselves. I. My number one priority. My only job is to accept and love me. I'm a naturally loving and generous person, like when I'm in integrity and when I'm in alignment and when things flow inside of me and when I'm resourced and full, I will naturally be very giving. But my job isn't to fast forward to the place of giving. Anywhere other than me right now. And to be guided by my inspiration and my knowing so that my giving comes from a place of alignment rather than a place of trying to secure a good outcome in this area or in that area. I'm so happy to share this with you. I'm so thankful that you're open to it. I'm still trying to get my head around it, but if you've got any questions around it, if you've got anything you want to share with me, I'm available. You can find me on the socials. You can find me on the website is going to be links to all those things in the show notes.
Thank you for being open. Thank you for being you. And I'll keep you posted. We'll see where this takes me. Us? As it evolves because it will continue to. I'm sure there's heaps of things I don't know yet and can't say, and I can't wait to expand more and more. But having said that, I'm really genuinely, for possibly the first time ever, not trying to fast forward to get there. And I've only just realised. How cool is that?
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So you can binge and play as much as you want knowing that you can cancel any time. You'll find the link in the show notes. I hope you love it as much as I do. Thanks for listening. And in the words of Oron go well.
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