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  • Writer's pictureMedha Murtagh

Episode 69 – Medha's audio diary

Updated: Feb 28, 2023

Medha has been developing the Return to Wholeness Process for over a decade. It's a way of working with yourself with self-love and self-acceptance, and it supercharges all of your personal development efforts. In this episode Medha shares her audio diary with you, so you can listen to the process in action in the heat of real living. Enjoy!

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Welcome to season two of A Clear Perspective podcast. I have still got tears in my eyes because I just took myself through the Return to Wholeness process to deal with some personal stuff that's been coming up for me and I've decided to share it with you. I haven't even listened back to it. I'm not going to edit it. This is going to be a straight up sharing of my audio diary of the way that I process myself and work through the issues that come up for me on a day to day basis. So that you can get a sense of how I've learnt to work with myself in a way that is so much more powerful than telling myself I need to do better.

By the end of this, you'll feel the energetic integrity that I was able to move myself towards. And this is available for you, too, with every issue that you have. Ready to hear my diary? Let's do it.

Welcome to A Clear Perspective, the podcast that helps you remember who you really are, what you really want and the easiest way to get it. I'm Medha and I'm a direct voice channel for Oron, who give us straight talking, practical guidance to help us live joyful lives of abundance, ease and positive impact. The way we were meant to.

I've had a lot of you reach out to me and offer me love and support around the issues I've been having with my health and the deep dive spiritually that I've been doing to help myself relax into action and reconnect to my feeling of power without dominance.

If you haven't listened to the previous podcast episodes where I've discussed this, I'd highly recommend that you do. I'm not going to repeat all that stuff. I'm going to allow you to listen if you need to - or re-listen even if you need to -for the context for what you're about to hear.

One of the things that I've discovered working with myself, but also with many, many, many clients, is that often when we realize that we've got a behavior that's not optimal, we can try and move to the opposite or to something more optimal in a way that's a bit unbalanced. So I think of it as a bit of a pendulum. So if you imagine that the pendulum is pulled to one side, that's when we're stuck in our unhelpful pattern of behavior or thinking. And then when we realize it's not optimal, we go whoops and go too far over to the other side. We kind of over correct. And it takes a little while of over correcting in both directions to kind of find the point of balance and equilibrium.

So in very, very quick dot point summary form, what I've been doing personally and spiritually for myself is trying to find a way to reconnect to my feeling of being the powerful creator of my life in a way that doesn't try and push the universe. This has been an area of confusion for me for decades, which I think is why it's kind of the core of my work and the stuff that Oron is bringing through as well.

So I had a very traumatic, abusive, unsafe childhood. And as a response to that, I became someone who wanted to control myself in order to control the environment to make sure that I was safe. So I lived very much based on my mind, and I had a really strong will, and I worked hard and I kind of tried to make things happen, which is kind of how we're taught to live by society.

When I came across spirituality and I felt the resounding truth of all of that idea of relaxation and surrender and allowing. The truth of that was kind of visceral to me and I was like, "Oh, no. I've been doing it the wrong way." So my pendulum was stuck up to the right, and then I went way too far up to the left to try and correct that. So I went from someone who was really willful to someone who kind of tried to put my hands up in there and go, "The universe will decide." And it became a bit wishy washy. So I over corrected.

This has been going on for quite a long time, and I've been kind of trying to find the point of balance with it, and I'm getting really kind of honed in on that now. What I feel like I'm focusing on now is being able to combine the two things. So being able to decide things for myself, having a strong and clear intention, consciously creating my life with, like, an objective and a focus. But without trying to push or force the universe to give me the stuff that I want.

So I'm trying to find that point of balance, and I am playing with things inside of myself in order to facilitate that so that I can feel like I can be both. So conscious, strong, powerful creator. Not just someone that is dictated to by the universe outside of myself, but I find that all inside of myself and then take aligned action with that spirit of power that doesn't include dominance, but that includes flow.

So I'm not going to go into too much detail about that, but I have had a few of you contact me and go, "Well, how? How do you try and find the balance between those two things? How do you try and create the things that you want and not push the universe, not try and bully the universe into giving you the things that you want, having an openness and allowing it to flow? How the fuck do you do that?"

Fair question. I'm doing a lot of things. I'm doing a lot of playing, relaxation. I'm being mindful of my self talk. But the biggest thing that I'm doing is I'm working on myself - haha - playing with the aspects of myself, using the Return to Wholeness process.

So what I do, the way that I think the easiest, most productive, and powerful way to transform and evolve that I've ever encountered is to notice when the resistance and the tension is happening inside of me between the part that wants to dominate and make something happen and the part that isn't ready or isn't sure.

So normally we're, like, "Feel the fear and do it anyway," right? That's a forceful. It's like a pushing thing, which means we're ignoring the parts of us that aren't ready. Or if when I'm throwing my hands up in the air and go, "The universe will decide," then I'm ignoring the part of me who's really clear about what she wants to create. And that never works. Like, it never leads me to aligned, divinely supported actions.

And so what I do is when I feel the tension inside of myself where there's parts of me fighting other parts of me, I sit and I try and be with them, and I try to listen to all of the parts of me with as much love and reverence for the parts that I might consider good and the parts that I might consider not good or unhelpful. Because the truth is, there's no such thing. There's no part of you that's not good and unhelpful.

So I've been working with a Return to Wholeness process for a long time now, and I'm getting clearer and clearer, and it's easier and easier for me to see the divinity of all of the parts, even the ones that feel like they're holding me back. They are never, ever, ever holding me back. What they are always doing is trying to protect me.

And so I recorded myself doing this exact process, and I'm going to share it with you now. So it's completely unedited. Like, it's got me crying in it. It's got me having realizations in it. It's got me working to Return to Wholeness so that I'm not ignoring any part and I'm bringing them together and addressing their concerns. And then they can come together and support each other instead of fighting each other and holy hell, is that an easier way to move forward than when one part of me is clawing on the pavement and the other part is trying to drag her forward. No way is that alignment. That's not powerful. It's not inspired. It's not aligned, and it's definitely not allowing. So this is the Return to Wholeness process. It's me taking myself through it. Enjoy.

Okay, so I want to address inside of myself now the kind of conflicting feelings I've got about, on the one hand, being wildly ready for the Oron work and the Return to Wholeness work to be seen and received by the world. And on the other hand, the feeling that's in there, in me, that's more quiet but isn't ready. So I am going to speak to both parts of myself now. The one that's raring to go and the one that's not so sure. And I'm just going to tell them both that I know that they both have my best interests at heart. And I invite them to feel into my heart. I invite you to feel into my heart how much I appreciate and value you and your perspective and your desire to help me to move forward in the best way possible. I'm going to speak to this feeling to who I'll speak to first, the part that's impatient and ready to go.

Okay, so part that's impatient and ready to go, I invite you to take the stage and take the microphone. I'm fascinated by everything that you want to say, and I'm here and ready to listen. What do you want to say?

I'm sick of playing small. I'm sick of feeling like I'm treading water. I'm sick of feeling like I take a step forward and then it's like, I'm pushing up against an imaginary wall, and I'm not moving forward. But it's like an invisible wall. And through the invisible wall, I can see so clearly what's possible and the potential of it and how fulfilling and uplifting and transformative it can be to move forward into the bigger version of this work with more people and more consciousness and more energy in it. And it feels enticing and delicious. But I feel like I keep walking into this invisible wall and I'm fucking sick of it.

Okay. Okay. Why are you sick of it?

I am sick of it because it's been going on and on for what feels like ever. And can't everyone see what amazingness is on the other side of that wall? So what the fuck? Why are we not moving there into the deliciousness and the play and the expansion and the awesomeness. I just want to climb over the wall, but it's slippery, so I can't get through. I can't dig under. I can't walk around it and I am frustrated. I don't feel any doubt about the worth and power and value of this. I don't feel any doubt about the amazingness that's on the other side of this wall. So I cannot understand why I can't break through and why the wall would be there and I think the wall is stupid.

Okay. Thank you for being brave and open and honest and not holding anything back. Is there anything else that you want to say?

Fucking hurry up.

Okay. Got it. All right. So thank you.

Okay, so now I'm going to turn towards the part of me that's not quite ready. I can sort of feel like, kind of in the dark and squished up. It's like she's got her knees forwarded and she's hugging her legs into herself, and she's all defensive. And she can feel the heat and the anger of the part that wants to move forward, and she kind of gets a bit frozen around it. So I'm not going to invite you to take the stage right now. I'm going to just let you know that you don't have to speak if you don't want to. That I'm going to hold you in my heart and in my consciousness and I'm going to create a safe space for you. And if you feel ready, and if you want to, I would love to hear your perspective as well, because you're just as important and just as valuable as the part of me that wants to move forward.

"I'm not ready," she said. "I'm not ready."


But it feels like I'm not allowed to not be ready.

Oh, sweetheart. I know that you don't like it when the impatient part of me gets angry at you. I know that it feels to you like she's saying that you're wrong and you're not good enough. But I want you to know that you are not wrong and you are so much more than good enough. You have your reasons for not being ready to move forward, and those reasons are valid. And we don't want to push forward without you. You're an integral, important part of it, and we're not going to push you to be readier than what you are.

I know that it is space and safety that lets you feel like you can look at what you need to look at and address what you need to address so that you can start to feel ready. And that's what I want. I don't want you fast forwarding. I don't want you pretending. I want to support you to feel strong and heard. And I want to address any concerns that you have. And so that you yourself, in your naturalness, natural pace, start to get excited about the idea rather than feel like you're being pushed into moving forward before you're ready.

I can feel the relief of that. I can feel that you're hearing me and I love that. I love that you're feeling seen by me and heard by me and supported by me. And I'm sorry that I wasn't doing that before. I love you and I want to hear you and I want to help to support you through any concerns that you have. I hope you can feel the integrity and the truth of the fact that I'm not trying to trick you so we can fast forward. I genuinely want to support you. So what is it that you need?


Okay. You need space. What kind of space?

Space to play.

Okay, so like what we've been doing while, we've been on holidays with lots of audio books and the walking and the drawing and stuff.

Yes, more of that. There needs to be less of a division between my work self and my play self. This is really important.

Say some more about that.

There are things that you know and there are things that you understand in your mind, but you're not yet living. Yes, your life is more spacious. Yes, your life is more playful, but you still have a divide, an arbitrary divide between the you that does work and the you that does play. And yes, your work does feel like play sometimes, but feel that you still carry it with a level of heaviness. And that the two, three weeks that you had that were a holiday, there was like this relief in it. That relief needs to be there when you're doing work too. And that's not happening now. And so if the work was to take a bigger stage and have more people, you're not ready to keep playful yet.

And so take the time, take some months. Make it easy, make it playful, keep it light. Get solid in the openness and the expansiveness and the playfulness and make that be the you that is working you as well.

I can feel Oron in the space. Do you want to come through?

No, just a message.

What's the message?

Just supporting the message that is coming through already from that part of me. I'm not yet solid in playful action. I'm not yet solid. It's not a criticism. It's a spotlight shining on what I need or should or could benefit from playing with so that I really can move forward into what is on the other side of that transparent wall. The wall isn't there to stop me moving forward. It's like a magnifying glass. It's like a focusing point. Okay.

So thank you to Oron. Thank you for that amazing part of me that held firm and kept her heels dug into the concrete and wouldn't let herself get pushed forward without delivering this really important message. I know that I've heard this message a lot of times, and I know that I am not always as open to it as what I am in this moment. But I just want to remind all the parts of me that my intention is absolutely to be as open as I can and I'm doing my best, and that's okay.

And I can feel their acceptance of me as I share my acceptance of them. I want to talk to the part of me that was impatient and angry at the invisible wall. And I can feel that she heard all of this. She understands, and she doesn't want to be like a bull in a china shop. She doesn't want to bust through the wall when she sees now that the wall is actually a magnifying glass that allows us to see what's hard to see sometimes because it's subtle. She does want flow. She wants all of the things beyond that vision. Sorry. All of the things beyond that see through wall. And she knows that the energetic integrity of the other side of that wall is of absolute flow and expansion and joy.

And so if we just need more skill set in that, in merging that feeling with action and play Medha with work Medha. Even though I'm so much better at that, that's why it needs a magnifying class. Because the ways I'm not aligned with it yet are hard to see. They're so subtle now compared to what they were. So go me for expanding here so much. And also go me for being willing to sit down and do this process so that I can get clarity and I can know what to focus on and play with.

I love all of the parts of me and I acknowledge how much they do, even when I'm resisting them, to keep me safe and to help me have the best life possible. I love all of the parts of me. Thank you. Thank you, thank you.

Is there anything else that wants to say? Anyone? So those parts of me that were **** before are turning to each other and shaking hands and now they're playing together, embracing each other. We all work so much better when we're open to each other, hearing each other and moving forward together. Thank you. I love you all and thank you.

There you have it. I hope that my bearing of my soul was productive on a practical level. It really matters to me that the spiritual stuff doesn't just stay as ideas and etheric esoteric high vibe things, but that it's practical and actionable in the world. And that's what the Return to Wholeness process is. I hope that you can see it from what you've just heard.

And if you want some support in starting to do this process for yourself, I've created a free Return to Wholeness mini course to help you do exactly that. You've got the audio experience of me that you've just heard. You can also get some material to support you in starting to do this for yourself on a regular basis. Can you imagine the difference in your life if instead of fighting yourself when you found yourself in resistance, you did the work to come into actual wholeness and have all parts of you moving forward to the things that you want? That's what I want for you. That's what I want for anyone who's conscious enough and willing to do this work. So to grab your free return wholeness mini course, Go to

Thank you so much for listening and as you know, I would love to get this work out there into the world. If you want to support the podcast, Please share it with anyone that you think would benefit. And please subscribe and give us a rating and review wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you so much for listening and in the words of Oron, go well.

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