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  • Writer's pictureMedha Murtagh

Episode 67 – Why am still working on the same damn thing?

Updated: Feb 28, 2023

Even feel like you're still working on the same damn issue, pattern, belief and not really getting anyway? The personal development hamster wheel can sometimes make it feel like you're not getting anywhere. Is that what's really happening? In this episode I discuss the insight that I had that made me finally get the message that both Oron and my intuition have said at least hundred times. This episode explores the insight, as well as why this little 'going around in circles' phenomenon happens in the first place.

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Medha: I've decided to do another podcast episode sharing with you how I'm navigating my health issue for a couple of reasons. Something that I hear so often from clients and friends is a level of frustration around either getting the same feedback or or intuitive guidance or dealing with the same issue over and over and over again. It's a feeling like, "Well, haven't I dealt with this before? Haven't I dealt with this already? Haven't I worked my way through this already? Why is this coming up?" and a feeling - a subsequent feeling - that we must be going backwards

What I've discovered is truer than backwards is deeper. There are so many levels and layers in which we carry our blocks or our energetic traumas or our wounds or our beliefs or our paradigms. And when you find yourself coming back around to the same thing over and over again - I heard this analogy from a friend of mine. If you think of it as a spiral staircase, you feel like you're standing in the same place, but you're actually deeper. You're going deeper. Your intuition, your guidance, your consciousness is showing you what is next for you to deal with. And sometimes you need a break from that or something else happens, and you uncover a deeper level of what you have already worked on before.

And so I'm sharing with you that I had a realization around some stuff that Oron has said to me a bunch of times - that my intuition has said a bunch of times - and I hadn't really heard clearly. And it's not actually that I hadn't really heard clearly. It's that the exposure to the idea many, many, many times has helped me to go deeper with it and has also provided the context of familiarity for me to become more and more open to the knowledge and the insight which I'm going to share with you in this episode.

The second reason that I'm sharing this with you is because if you've been listening to the podcast for a while, you've heard me talk before about the fact that I personally believe that self acceptance is like rocket fuel to personal growth; that most of us try and do our personal growth, our personal development and our spirituality from a place of wanting to become our best self. But actually at the core of it, it's a place of, "Where I am isn't good enough. Who I am isn't good enough, and I need to be better."

What I have found is that adding self acceptance as the filter through which I do my personal growth work, my expansion, work makes it so much faster. And this is an example of me showing myself deep love and self acceptance when I realized something that I could have been doing better or hadn't learned or heard deeply enough. In the past, I could have very, very, very easily come down on myself hard over something like this.

But what I want to show you - and if you listen to this episode, I'm hopeful that you'll see it and hear it - is that if I was to come down hard on myself for the realization that I'm having, what that would do would be to contract my energy, to make me feel stressed, to make me anxious that I don't fuck up again so that I don't cop another beating.

Instead, what I'm hopeful that you'll hear me do is support myself, encourage myself and remind myself that it's okay that it took me this many times to really deeply understand something that is important for my growth and my evolution. So I'm sharing this with you because I'm hopeful that as you see more evidence of self acceptance being productive and helpful rather than lazy, which is what we sometimes see it as you'll be able to relax more deeply into allowing that for yourself. All right, let's do it.

I know that I ended last week's podcast episode by telling you that that was the last of the episodes around my health struggles and that we were back to regular programming from this week. Alas, something has happened and there are more insights and human stuff that I want to share with you.

My first exposure to channeling was Abraham Hicks. My first personal experience of having someone channel for me was with one of my best friend's mum, who has been a channel for many years, and she goes through phases of doing challenges and then not doing channelings.

I was lucky enough to go and see her last week as I'm trying to unravel and work through and support myself and process all of the stuff that I've been sharing with you over the last couple of weeks. And Holy God, it was profoundly, profoundly helpful. And what's interesting about it is that what it gave me was a perspective to be able to more deeply access the stuff that Oron and my own intuition has been telling me for myself.

So whenever I've tuned in myself and whenever I've had channelings, the main message when I ask, "What is this health stuff about for me?" has consistently - consistently for the last 18 months - been not pushing. The message has been that I'm used to being someone who creates things with effort and with action and with a level of pushing.

And although this health condition has helped me to access more spaciousness in my life because I've needed it. Although that has been the case, there is a level in which when I act, I still have a level of force or push or trying to control the universe. And Oron has said this. They said that because I've cleaned this up so much in myself, it's really hard for me to see the places that I'm still doing it. Because in comparison to what I was doing, like 5 or 10 years ago, it's so ridiculously different that it's almost like my mind can't compute that I'm doing anything to the degree that it would create problems for me. Like I was just unaware of it.

The channeling that I went and had that gave me the new perspective on the channelings I've received from Oron was really profoundly helpful in reminding me of something that I actually already know.

I had a very unsafe childhood. So my mum was an abusive alcoholic. You might have heard me talk about this before. And my childhood wasn't safe. Like she kind of hated me, really, and blamed me when I was very young for all the things that were going wrong in her life. And I just had this sense that I was just responsible. I was responsible for the whole fucking universe, is actually how I ended up feeling from that. And very disconnected to my self worth and very disconnected to my own self love, but also very disconnected to my own sense of safety.

I didn't feel safe, and it's something I've been aware of, and it's something that I've been working with. And I feel so much more safe now than I ever did. But deep down, I still don't feel safe in my body to a profound degree. But the fact that it's so much better than it was - because it's the best that I've consciously as an adult with awareness have experienced - I kind of can think that I'm there. But I'm very, very much not there. And I'm aware of it in terms of, like, a stress in my heart, like an anxiety or a fast beating heart that happens sometimes.

Anyway, the channeling that I received reminded me that my body -energetically, my body physical body - like it's still kind of carrying a level of trauma. And there is a way in which even when I'm at my most restful and when I'm at my most relaxed, I'm not deeply relaxing. I'm not deeply, deeply letting go in the physicality of me.

I think I dismissed this because - I didn't dismiss it when she said it, but I dismissed it when my intuition was kind of telling it to me. I think I partially dismissed it because I was like, "Well, I can channel Oron and so that means I must be letting go pretty bloody well. So it must be fine. I must be there enough."

And, yeah, that's true, right. But God knows what information and energy is going to come through when I'm able to really deeply allow myself to relax. And I can feel the truth of it. Like, I know, for example, many times I've realized that if I'm walking with a friend and there's a loud sound, like I go and jump and get all tense in my body, whereas my friends are totally fine.

I've talked about this before, but it's not just the sound. It's the lack of safety. It's the anxiety that goes physiologically through my body. And sometimes my heart races when I've got, like, no conscious thoughts that I'm thinking of anything that's worryful. I feel like it's in my physiology. Point being, what I was told and what I deeply understand for myself now is that I need to - no. I would really deeply benefit from learning to relax and profoundly let go in the deepest way. And even when I say that I can feel that the cells in my body are really excited at the idea.

The other thing that made it difficult for me to see this until now is that I have crafted a ridiculously amazing life. Like I love my life, and I honestly think it's the most spacious life out of anyone that I know. I kind of do what I want, and I have so much space in my day. I get up in the morning. I don't set an alarm. I get up, I grab a coffee. I sit on the bench. I watch the trees move for ages. I may or may not listen to an audiobook. I do that for as long as I want. Then if I feel inspired, I might go do some work on the computer and then I go have a bath. My day is what I want it to be, and there's lots and lots of space in it.

But what this new channeling said to me, which I really know to be the truth now, is that even though I do a hell of a lot of resting and I have a hell of a lot of space, my body - my physical body, which is having so many issues at present - isn't getting that deeper, rejuvenating, profound relief that facilitates healing. And this is a big deal. Like this is something I want to know about, and I want to be able to support myself and my body.

The other thing that came up was that my spiritual evolution has been massive over the last 10- 15 years - period of time. Like, I've grown and evolved and devoted so much of my time and energy to my spirituality and my energetics. But then I haven't really done that for my body. And that if I'm going to be a vessel for all of this stuff, like I'm a physical being and the vessel for that is my body. So I want to be a vessel for the energy, right? And then my body is a vessel for me and therefore the energy.

This is profoundly important. And the reason that I'm sharing this with you is because it is so, so, so easy to think that we're in flow. It is so easy to think that we're relaxing. It's so easy to think that we're doing all of these things when we compare back to the times where we weren't doing it as well. And that can make us dismiss the places where it would really help us to kind of focus and really deeply support ourselves in.

So I am going to be taking some time off. We're going to have a production break with the podcast. So there's going to be, I think, four weeks. So there's not going to be a podcast. I'm pulling back a lot on my business - and actually, this is important. I'm going to share this with you. I have truly deeply felt like the Oron work is so profound and so transformational, but not only the Oron work, the Return to Wholeness Process. I honestly truly feel like if this process was out in the world and people in the world were actually doing it with themselves and they were able to build that feeling of "I am loved. I am supported. I am important. I am prioritized. My needs are met. I am full. I am whole." If people were able to do the process and build that feeling in themselves, their interactions - not just with them but with the world - would change dramatically.

And the more that people do that, the more of the world will change dramatically. I truly believe that. I feel like this work is for the world. And so what I now realize is that I've been kind of pushing to try and get this out there to the world. I thought that I was in a place of just offering it and going, "Hey, world, if you're interested in this, have it. But the truth is, when I got really brutally fucking honest with myself, is that there's a level in which I've been pushing because I've been feeling like the world needs it, right?

So what does that mean? That means I'm seeing the world and the people in it as disempowering. That's not going to be productive. It's not going to be productive. And also what it means is that if I'm pushing, it means that I'm not relaxing to the level of flow that will allow the universe to take this forward.

So if God, the Universe, the energy, Oron, whatever - if that - that higher kind of energetic realm - wants this out there, then it will support it in getting out there. But me, little Medha, with my feeling of "I'm responsible for everything," which comes not just from my childhood but also society, I've put it on my shoulders that it's my job to get it out there, right? It's my job.

Oh, my Holy God, it is so not my job. And that is exhausting and it's depleting and it's contracted. And you know what else it is? It puts blocks in front of the thing that I actually really, truly want to get out into the world.

So this isn't about me minimizing my desire to get this transformational work out into the world. Hell, no. I still want that. That feels really vitally important to me. But my body isn't ready. Like my body. I haven't done the work to support my body and work with my body and heal my body and integrate all of the aspects of my body and up level it in the way that I have my energetics and my emotions and my consciousness and my energy and my spirituality. I haven't done that with my body.

And so my body is the vessel that holds me, and I'm the vessel that holds the energy right. And so there's no rush here. Oron say that to me all the time and I sometimes skip over it. There's no rush here. So my challenge - and again, yours if you choose to accept it - is to really honestly learn to be in my desire, be in my expansive intention, but also chill the fuck out and just relax and be carried by the flow. Not in a way where I throw my hands up and don't take any action, but in a way that I am really Crystal clear, brutally honest with myself about what the source of the action is? Is it because I feel like I have to do this in order to create that? Or is it because I feel like I'm called to this thing and let's see what happens from it?

So I am going inward. I'm playing with nervous system support. I'm playing with breathing practices. I'm playing with all sorts of beautiful, delicious things to connect inwardly, not just with myself, but with my body. It's like so much meditation and all that stuff has been great to hone that sort of skill set of mine, but now connecting back into my body, which again is natural. We're all born in this way. So that's my challenge and I'm letting go of other things that I've held with any amount of pressure for a while.

I'll still be producing the podcast, except for the little break over Christmas. I think I'm going to start playing with YouTube and I just love my newsletter. So there are three things that I think I'm going to keep putting my energy into. I've still got one on one clients that I'll be seeing. I have cut that down quite a lot, though, so there's a lot less of them. And I love the ones that I see. That's totally fine. I'm going to keep saying them, but I'm not going to be trying to push the work, trying to get it out there. I'm not going to be doing any of that. Because if the work is needed, the work will be called forth. And if I'm not in any way being rigid or tense, I won't be blocking it. And that's not just true for me. It's true for you, and it's not just true for my work. It's true for all of life and yours as well. So I wanted to share that with you because it feels really deeply important.

Next week, I think we really, truly are going to be back to our normal programming unless something happens that tweaks the flow of this or my intention - and that's okay if that happens.

So all the love to you. If you've got any questions about any of this, find me on the socials. I'd also love to have you on my newsletter list if you are not already on the newsletter list. Because I put my heart and soul into those newsletters. I feel like it's some of the best stuff that goes out into the world. So if you're not already on that newsletter list, you can jump on it by also receiving the return to wholeness mini course. It's free. And that's my gift to you for joining the newsletter. And also, it's just my gift to you because, as you know, I feel passionately about getting this work out there and getting the return to wholeness process specifically out there.

Go to Take really deep, good care of yourself the way I'm going to be practicing doing with me. Thanks for listening. And in the words of Oron, go well.

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