Episode 45 – Scared of failure: how you can heal your life
Updated: Oct 24
This is an unusual episode. People often ask me how to put Oron's work into practice. How does one live self-love and self-acceptance in the real world? I've discovered a personal evolution process that is super quick, incredibly powerful and deeply transformative. It's called the Return to Wholeness Process and it's changed my life. I recently ran a free live training to give people access to it. And as part of that training, we recorded this session with Steven, where I guide him through the process. Steven gave me his blessing tor release this as a podcast episode, so that you can get an idea of what the process is and how it works.
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Explanation of Return to Wholeness Process [00:00:56]
Taking Steven through the process [00:01:47]
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Medha: Welcome, Steven.
Medha: Hi, how can we help you today? What area of self sabotage would you like to play with?
Steven: I've been going through this rusting process of kind of taking a pause from my business or from, I guess, doing. Putting myself out there, I've been taking a break, reassessing, recalibrating, and in essence, I feel like I'm arriving at a point where I'm ready to put myself out there again at the same time. There's a lot of. Worry around, stress around how I'm going to navigate things this time around, I'm just going to interrupt you to say something.
Medha: So you've been to the calls quite a lot. And I know that you're getting this process. I want you to, as you express here, don't edit anything based on anything that you're thinking or that you learnt like when I ask you questions, just go with whatever best response you get and don't feel like it needs to be evolved or anything. We want to get to the nitty gritty of what's going on. So as you express no one here is judging you, we're all here in support and we're all learning from the experience.
Medha: So just be free to say whatever the fuck.
Steven: Yeah. So long story short, I'm really afraid because I'm just afraid of like I think ultimately I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of putting myself out there for this to all just fall apart.
Medha: OK, that's really clear. Awesome. Close your eyes. And the first thing we're going to do is acknowledge the fact that you have been trying to get rid of the part of you that's afraid. So acknowledge that to yourself, to the part of you that's afraid, you have been trying to get your attention away from it and you've been wanting it to leave you alone and be different. And telling it that it's not good enough the way it is, so own that to that part of yourself and if it's you need to only say things that feel true. So don't say this if it doesn't feel true, but if it feels true, apologise to that part of you if that's available to you. And I'm going to get you to do that out loud for the purposes of our work today.
Steven: I am so sorry for attempting to push you away. That's by no means my intention, and I just, yeah.
Medha: OK, so in this space, I want you to imagine that you're giving that part of you the part that's afraid, room to breathe, room to be. Let it take up as much space as it needs to take and have as much intensity as it needs to have, so it feels fully expressed inside of you. What happens?
Steven: It's like this, I'm just feeling like this kind of cloudiness in my throat.
Medha: OK, so your consciousness is taking us to your throat, so let's go to your throat. And we'll begin by just allowing the cloudiness. The cloudiness isn't wrong, but we're curious. So just take your attention into that space and see what is available there for you to see or feel. Ask your throat what's going on here.
Steven: Just getting the impression that this is just this fear of like, I think being made fun of, yeah, of Yeah, being made fun of . I've also just like again, just like not being able to follow, like failing, of failing and feeling like I have to like a shame as well, like feeling like I have to hide it if that happens.
Medha: So if you fail, you have to hide the fact that you failed or else you'll feel ashamed. Is that what you're saying?
Medha: OK. So what happens inside of you and in your heart when you hear yourself say those things and you're aware of that's how you're feeling, what's happening for you, about you right now?
Steven: It feels tense. Feels like. Yeah, it feels constricted, like it feels. Yeah.
Medha: OK, so so I just want to step in and I'm going to say to the part of you that scared that, but that's reasonable. It's not unreasonable to not want to fail. So so it's super important that the space here is one of allowing and understanding that the part of you that is scared is trying to protect you from something bad. Right. Does that feel genuinely true to you that the part of you that scared is trying to protect you from something bad?
Medha: OK, so in this moment, can you appreciate that it cares for you and that it's trying to take care of you? Does that feel like a truth to you?
Steven: Correct. Yeah.
Medha: OK, cool. So I think that part of you and now I want you to bring to centre stage the part of you that thinks this is stupid and you should just get on with it. They shouldn't be fearful and you should just be putting yourself out there. Find that part of you.
Steven: Should I vocalise that part,
Medha: Yeah, so so, yeah, you found it so yeah. OK, so first, before you do anything again, giving permission to that for that part of you do exist to be there, to breathe, to have energy, because this part also wants the best for you. Right. Like at once, you thriving and living an amazing life. And it doesn't want you smaller than you are. So that's a beautiful thing. Does that feel true?
Medha: OK, great, so then give this part of your space to be to exist, to breathe.
Steven: As critical as it is.
Medha: OK, so does that mean that you're having problems accepting this?
Steven: It's not that I'm having trouble accepting it. We can we can go with it.
Medha: No. It has to be genuine because this is a thing, right? You can't trick you?
Medha: And so we don't want to bullshit this. That'll be just more of the same pretence where we stick a happy face over the top of our sadness or our fear, like we're trying to move away from that. So anything that I ask you and anything that you say needs to be genuine or else we're going the wrong direction.
Medha: So I'll ask you again, do you feel like it's possible for you to accept the part of you that you consider critical right now? Honest answer.
Steven: Yes, yes and no.
Medha: OK, cool, thank you. Let's go to the no, let's go to the part of you that can't accept the critical you. Find that. Find him. You got him?
Medha: OK Cool! Give him space. Let him be and I want you in an unedited way with no high spiritual ideas, I want you to let him speak and say why you can't accept it? Why you can't accept the other part of you?
Steven: They hear just so hard on yourself. Like you can, you can just be so mean. And it just kind of like, it's like it kind of takes away the motivation of everything.
Medha: It makes sense then, doesn't it, that if you're going to try something new and big and you don't do extraordinarily amazing at first go if you've got a part of you that's so mean, like why would you risk it? Doesn't that make sense?
Medha: OK, so what's happening for you now?
Steven: Just movement of energy. So keep my eyes closed.
Medha: Yep, keep them close, stay inward. OK, so emotionally, what's happening? Where are you at?
Steven: Emotionally, I'm feeling more. I feel like I'm coming back to centre. I feel like. I do feel like a lot of energy is moving, especially in my head. I feel like. I feel like that part of me that like that deeper part of me has had a space to express itself, to let out emotion, and I feel like, yeah, I feel like it's I guess I didn't even realise just that it was even there to begin with.
Medha: That's the beauty of this process. It brings up all the stuff that's a bit unconscious, that's impacting us in ways we don't realise. Are you happy for us to go deeper with this, or do you want end there?
Steven: I want to go deeper.
Medha: OK, I want you to find the part of you that get is mean to you. And before I ask you if you can accept it, I'm going to remind you of this somewhere along the way. This part of you picked up that the best way to motivate you, to keep you on task so that you can have the best, biggest life available is to push you hard and pick that up somewhere. And everything that's doing is not to punish you, it's to inspire you. It believes this is the way. Right. Does that feel true?
Medha: OK, so also there are ways that you have been aware of this hard part of you before and not super loved it, right? Like, not really wanted it to hang around. Wished it would go away. So despite the fact that you kind of hate it, it's hanging around, doing its best to inspire you in the way that it believes is going to motivate you, despite the fact that you kind of hate it and wish it would leave you alone. It's still there. It hasn't left you. It hasn't abandoned you. And it's doing what it believes is best for you, for your life long term. Does that feel true?
Medha: OK, so in the context of all of that, can you give it space and permission to exist?
Medha: OK, so allow that process, give it light, give it appreciation for having your back under really difficult circumstances. And just let it be. Let it breathe. And I want you to ask it, why does it think this is the way what what is its motivation? What is it trying to do for you?
Steven: It's just it feels like a reiteration of just moments where I've been in panic as a child. Yeah. Like, as if those moments when I was in a panic got me to just move. It's like doing that same thing.
Medha: Oh, that's interesting. So it think stress makes you go.
Medha: OK, and it wants you to go to create your amazing, awesome life. And if you're not stressed enough, it will create some stress to motivate you. Is that right?
Medha: That's pretty clever. It found a really creative way to try and inspire you. OK, so say it in front of you now being really clever in its ways of trying to make things work for you and repeat this after me if it's true. Thank you for trying to inspire me.
Steven: Thank you for trying to inspire me.
Medha: I'm hoping we can work out a way that works a little bit better for both of us.
Steven: I'm hoping we can figure out a way so that things work out better for both of us.
Medha: Because I'd love you to inspire me from now on.
Steven: Because I would love, love, love for you to inspire me from now on.
Medha: That's what works best for me now.
Steven: That's what works best for me now.
Medha: How does it feel about that? When you're ready.
Steven: It just feels like a clear path of energy in my spine. It's kind of crazy.
Medha: We've only been gone about ten minutes, that's pretty magical. OK, we're not done yet. Keep your eyes closed. I'm not finished with you yet. OK, so. What would you like to ask of this part of you? What would you love from it?
Steven: What would I what would I ask of it?
Medha: What would you like? In what way would you like to be inspired and supported by it? What would work for you in the framing of a new relationship, in a framing of a new dynamic? Because what we're doing right now is saying to this part of you, don't do that anymore, just inspire me. So let's just be a bit clearer about what works for you. So what would you love in terms of support?
Steven: I would love just, encouragement, loving nudges, inspirational words.
Steven: Yeah. Or reminders of just coming back to playfulness. That I can be myself.
Medha: Great. So as this part of you, hears this what happens? What his response?
Steven: It's like there is a little bit of shakiness, like I think because this is new, this is different.
Medha: Absolutely. And so that's why now that part of you gets to ask you for what it needs for support from you. So ask it. What does it want from you? How can you best support it in this new dynamic?
Steven: A couple of things come up, I think, first of all, like it wants me to listen to it, but second of all, I think it also just wants me to sing more.
Medha: No more cloudy throat maybe.
Medha: OK, so does it feel like this harmony between you now?
Steven: It does.
Medha: OK, great, what do both of you need to maintain a harmonious relationship going forward? Is there any checking in that needs to happen? Like what is it that you need and what is that part of your needs so that you build the momentum of a relationship that works for both of you?
Steven: I do get the impression of checking in. I think definitely checking in more in the throat area. Yeah.
Medha: Beautiful. Now, can you just take a moment to acknowledge how incredible it is, how open and willing that part of you is to listen to you and offer its feelings and thoughts and concerns to you and willing to create change so that it works for you because all it has ever wanted is the best for you. Can you feel the truth of that?
Medha: OK, so offer it, you don't have to do that, but offer love and appreciation. To having your back in the deepest way. And then you don't have to do this out loud either, but commit to whatever it is that you feel that you can commit to in terms of fostering this beautiful dynamic between the two of you going forward. You can do that inwardly. How does it feel?
Steven: It feels good. It feels really good. I just got a flash because just the other day I just got myself an engagement ring for myself.
Medha: I did that once. Yeah.
Steven: And so I am getting it resized, but it just feels like good timing.
Medha: It does feel like good timing. I love it. Returning to Wholeness. Love of self. That's the best. Thank you so much for being so open and vulnerable. It's so helpful to everybody and. It's just beautiful to see so, thank you.
Steven: Thank you so much. I wasn't expecting for the waterworks, but we are here and it was meant to happen. Thank you all!
Medha: Things will be disappointed if there weren't any. Do you have any questions, having been through the process right now? Do you have any questions? Doesn't it matter if you don't. I'm just checking.
Steven: For me at the moment. No, I am feeling how powerful it is. I mean, even earlier today, before I came on, I was working through the process with another emotion, another situation. I found a huge relief there. So I'm really seeing the effects of it. So I'm grateful. Thank you.
Medha: My absolute pleasure. That makes me so happy because like I've said, I think in the primaries I would have like lots of Internet stuff, says, oh, this would change a life. This will change your life. And it tends to be bullshit quite often. And so I feel funny going this will change your life, this change your life. But it will be like if you do this, it literally changes everything. You feel full and you feel safe and you feel lovable and you feel loved and you feel supported.
Medha: And like when you live your life from that place, you're so empowered, like you make the right decisions for yourself. And by implication, that's the right decisions for everyone in the world. And it's literally life changing. I don't say it lightly. So but again, I'll remind everyone, if you don't use it, nothing changes. But it doesn't have to be a big arduous thing. You can - I do the process in minutes with myself now. So as your skill kind of develops, it just become second nature to love yourself, your impulses to see that you've got a challenging emotion rather than "Uugh", you go, "Oh, what's this?" It's like you're curious and interested and you're like, I wonder what's going on for me. And so for myself personally, the massive change I notice is the difference between when I used to accidentally hurt someone's feeling when I said something and I would like beat myself up and beat myself and how could I do that? And that was terrible. And I should have known better, blah, blah, blah. Whereas now if I do something that hurt someone's feelings, my response to myself is to go, "Oh wow, that's interesting. I normally wouldn't act that way. What was going on for me?", it's like natural curiosity. You train yourself into natural curiosity rather than belittling yourself or bullying yourself so that you do better next time. Because even though that part of you thought the stress was helpful, the bigger part of you was saying that it wasn't. So anyway, thank you so much. Deeply, deeply appreciate it.
Steven: Thank you!
Medha: Hurray for you!
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