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  • Writer's pictureMedha Murtagh

A spring clean of the soul

I’m normally a glowing ball of passion and enthusiasm, full of ideas about things I wanna do, impact I wanna have, and dreams I wanna realise.

I’m used to wandering around pleasantly from task to task, followed by devoted puppies who do adorable things to make me smile as I bask in the joy that permeates my existence.

But this week … not so much.

I am feeling a little meh.

There’s no actual problem I can point to. Yeah, there’s my health issues - but nothing there has changed enough to create this noticeable change in me.

I suspect something else is afoot. And here’s why.

I’ve mentioned that I’ve needed space lately. Stretches of time where I’m not consuming content. So I’ve slowed down on the podcasts and audiobooks and spent a lot more time in silence.

And from that peaceful silence, I’m being periodically bombarded with High Definition flashbacks of some of my life's most crappy experiences.

Actually, the memories range in intensity. But they're always negative.

I’ll be savouring my coffee, watching the trees sway in the breeze, when out of nowhere I’ll be deep in a memory of a particular ex driving too fast on the freeway while screaming at me that I’m selfish, unsupportive and a terrible person. I’ll then move through a maelstrom of emotions, where I re-experience feeling scared, frozen, misunderstood and ultimately (when it's safe) fucking furious.

Or I may remember that I didn’t invite Pam to my 21st birthday party for a stupid reason that wasn't even true, before being drenched by a tsunami of guilt and regret over the potential pain my insensitivity may have caused her.

I’ve never been so consistently bombarded by old memories and their associated emotions.

I’ve spent years consciously cultivating the skill of allowing my emotions to move through me. So although I’m great at it now, I wasn’t always.

I suspect I'm undergoing a spring clean of my inner world. A letting go of the stuff I didn’t have the skills to process when it first happened.

And I gotta tell you, it’s not a whole lotta fun.

But I’m committed to my growth and expansion. And, unlike my food, I prefer my emotions processed.

Because unprocessed emotions are heavy. And I’m ready to put them down.

Let's be my email penpals

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